Chris is moving to Georgia.

I reread last night's blog. And that was a cop out. About growing up. I guess I was just trying to say that I've never been here in my life before, and I don't know which direction it will take next because I never thought I would be here.

There.

I just gave a big sigh. My heart hurts. Chris called me today, almost happy. He said he's considering moving to Georgia. He'd take a job as kitchen staff, (which pays less than minimum). He'd stay for room and board, working with Sydney, probably the best person Chris knows.

My heart just hurts. But in an unselfish way, I think this would be good for him. I know this would be good for him.

He was just such a dick. A foreign person at dinner. He didn't show any sign of affection. And it's like... This is a huge deal. And he didn't even discuss it with me because all that's going on in his head is "Fuck you, Brighid" and Sydney's, "Brighid's actions show that she doesn't love you."

Man, screw you both. Go Chris. Go to Georgia. I don't want to date you anymore, but hell if I'm dating anyone else. Then come back and I'll be here for you. Fixed and new.

Fuck you, Chris. Fuck you and your pity owls through AIM. Not saying goodbye to me. Not showing me the Brighid love. I don't know why I cheated, but Chris's actions are certainly not loving.

Big sigh.

Acceptance is one-sided?

I have been doing a lot of thinking. When I called Chris this morning,I got a text that said: "Space." Then I texted:

I understand. I'm so sorry for last night. It was in reaction to my therapy session. I gave Leanna everything and I am done for good. I'm reconsidering my real friends and how I treat them. I'm so sorry, Chris.

Translation: I am done smoking weed and I am making new friends.

Actually, it's really funny. I went into Panda Express today and what do you know, but Danny Palomino is there with his brother. I'm obsessed with fortune cookies. The fortune said, "You will bump into a good friend." Odd. Anyway, I guess that's a good sign.

So I texted Chris this fact and received another text: "Space."

And I don't even know what to think. That's a lie. I do. It's why don't I love myself? Like, I want so much change, but is this what IIII want, or what Chris wants? Of course it's what Chris wants, but I am not the same girl who he fell in love with. I am not the no sex, no drugs, no drinking girl. I cheated on him. I don't think smoking pot is bad anymore. I'm growing up. I've dealt with a lot. I'm still getting through my eating disorder, for god's sake.

I accept who I am, I just wish the person I love accepted me.

Don't Justify the Situation

Yesterday sucked. It was long. I woke up at 5:30, ran, went to work early, went to class early, went to my therapist's appointment early, got out of class early (if you call 7:30pm early). It was just a string of constance. After class, I went over to Leanna's and got stoned. Bad idea. I talked to Chris. He knew I was stoned. I don't know. We have space now. I don't know. I gave Leanna my weed. I am done with it. Seriously finished.

Trying to get this damn near wonderful master bedroom in the condo. Blaghhhhh. I wish everything would work out.

So tired.

Destoned, unstoned, nonstoned. Part I.

So, in my panic that I already effed up my goals, I cleaned my room, did laundry, returned my borrowed bag on BagBorroworSteal.com, whitened my teeth. I have a written list of goals to accomplish tomorrow morning.

At 5:30 am, I shall wake up and run a mile. Afterwards, I will get ready for work and go in early to tie up loose ends. If there's any free time, I will do my homework, read and catch up.

Sounds like a good plan to me! Those people haven't gotten back to me about that room. I found a room at $340/month of a master bedroom with private bathroom available near Papago Park! Right near school in this little area I've always wanted to live. I pray to God this comes true! I'd really love this to happen! Get my life organized. I want this so bad!

Okay. I'm off. Writing about Bess in one of my classes...

I am stoned. Part I.

Now watching the Janet Dickenson Model Agency. Now I'm watching Futurama. I am being a pothead right now. I ate the following today:

• Egg McMuffin
• Hashbrown
• Medium SF Iced Coffee
• Single Venti WMFL
• Pumpkin Cookie
• Swiss, Ham and Turkey Sandwich
• Sun Chips
• Ice cream with chocolate topping...

I took two laxatives. I am in a bad routine. Do I need rehab?

Because Chris loves you.

That's what Mrs. McGinley just said to me. She handed me a shoebox, sort of held onto it as if deciding whether or not to give it to me and said, "Because Chris loves you." Rob looked over at us. I hate this. I just offered to make a grilled cheese and got rejected.

So Chris and I went to counseling today. I am so exhausted. I can't wait for this day to be over. I am going home and watching Disney movies. Oh, that sounds glorious!!

Anyway, Chris and I decided that we need space. As in, I can't stay in his house anymore. More later. I'm just not up to writing.

An E-mail to Bess

bess. hello. i just got your texts. i am updating my blog. i cant believe you were in the hospital. that scares me. are you okay? what happened specifically? dont quit your job -- you've put so much into it. are you unhappy with your job, or with school? ps, i like your hair, but i only saw one pic... so yeah, couples therapy tomorrow. im doing therapy at asu. i have a doctoral student who is doing a study on his findings. im gold to him. GOLD!!!!!!! a girl with so many issues. le sigh. i miss facebook. i dont want to be the girl with so many issues. i want to be *******. so a lot has happened. sydney -- one of chris's best friends who lives in georgia for now -- hates me and doesnt think im in love with chris, otherwise i wouldnt do this action. (i imed dher on aim last night.) this concerns me. sean is out of the picture. i told him to get over me and that i could never build a relationship upon a torrid past and a foundation where cheating was concerned. on voicemail. twas harsh, but needed to be said. i dont know if he got the job. dawn cant afford him right now, so i think shell contract him for our web site and some strangling ads -- otherwise, he didnt. she thinks hes too young. anyway, if sean did get the job i would quit. i lied and told everyone that sean found a job online lalalalalalal. really i called him. god, what the fudge was i thinking? bess, help. what do you think? i think that everything is just ahhh people are looking at my dress. (from old navy) wink! My gut is hanging out *wink!!!! anywayzzzz!!! i like this new show called skins. its on bbc america and the kid from about a boy is one of the main characters, along with ginny from hp. theyre so sexy!!!!! mollys bday party is soon. she likes jordan (through text, it goes straight to korean. that cracks me up. so, chris and i are together since last tuesday. i got yelled at in the best way ever. he yelled at me as a best friend. "where's your integrity? id like to know, as a friend, that i have rubbed off on you. i want you to go away with this relationship with something, so tell me the truth." and i told him. and i think he understood. i just wish that people saw the way chris and i were. they way we used to be. instead, im the girl with issues. who is "nuts" and a "whore." ha -- i never thought i would be this person. im done. im going to walk to class now... even though it's at two. i like to get there early so people don't take my seat. love, *******!!!!!!!!!